Daniel. Thanks for completing this weeks challenge so I have been able to publish it. I still can’t work out how you managed to get football into it, but do share it with your family.
Mr Paine
This piece has lots of potential Daniel. The only thing which held it back a little bit for me was that it needed a bit of punctuation to aid the reader.
Next time you write a piece, try reading it out loud and see where you need a full stop or comma to aid reading. Alternatively, share your work with a partner and edit it together as I often find I read my own work not spotting an error whereas a new eye on a piece can help you spot an improvement.
Hi Daniel. You have added a lot of imagination to this week’s challenge, I like the idea of a bird giving Jeff juice! Most of your sentences are accurate and you have used a good range of conjunctions to make compound sentences.
I agree with Mrs Haka, you do need some more punctuation. When you read your writing aloud, you’ll find that you will naturally pause. These are the places to add full stops or commas depending on what you are trying to say. Keep up the great ideas.
This piece of writing is very…..random or unique. I’m not sure why Bob is naughty because he gave Jeff juice but hey anything an happen in a story. Try add more commas, as your sentences are quite long. But other than that its great! Good imagination.
Daniel. Thanks for completing this weeks challenge so I have been able to publish it. I still can’t work out how you managed to get football into it, but do share it with your family.
Mr Paine
This piece has lots of potential Daniel. The only thing which held it back a little bit for me was that it needed a bit of punctuation to aid the reader.
Next time you write a piece, try reading it out loud and see where you need a full stop or comma to aid reading. Alternatively, share your work with a partner and edit it together as I often find I read my own work not spotting an error whereas a new eye on a piece can help you spot an improvement.
Continue to publish your writing.
Mrs Haka
Hi Daniel. You have added a lot of imagination to this week’s challenge, I like the idea of a bird giving Jeff juice! Most of your sentences are accurate and you have used a good range of conjunctions to make compound sentences.
I agree with Mrs Haka, you do need some more punctuation. When you read your writing aloud, you’ll find that you will naturally pause. These are the places to add full stops or commas depending on what you are trying to say. Keep up the great ideas.
This piece of writing is very…..random or unique. I’m not sure why Bob is naughty because he gave Jeff juice but hey anything an happen in a story. Try add more commas, as your sentences are quite long. But other than that its great! Good imagination.