Hello Daisy,
Your work is good. I love how you described yourself as drooling when you saw your cake. What where the men doing with their tools and what where they doing on the cake? Do you know and if you didn’t describe what you thought they where doing? Was the park full or was it empty. Maybe you could describe if the day was hot. Was you tempted to eat the cake? If you where why where you tempted. Was it the delicious chocolate that was tempting or was it the flake?
Your words to describe things where good. I thought these words where good: incredible, enormous and etc. Here are some other good words: giggling, shouting, surprised, amazed, shocked, happily and etc. Instead of using this sentence, So, it started of today when I going to the park why don’t you do this. You could do this. So, this is where our story begins. This all started when I went to the park. Maybe you could redo your post and try and use my help. I enjoyed reading your story.
From Jessica 6D.
Please visit our blog at: Ribbledriveprimary.net.
Dear Daisy,
I really love this piece of writing, it is great that you started with a question. I also love how you have described the cupcake. Maybe next time you could describe the helicopter,e.g, the silver helicopter. Visit my blog at http://ribbledriveprimary.net/yearsix2015/
Dear Daisy,
What I like about your story is that you have opened it with a question. You could have used different sentence openers. Like slowly, quietly. What I didn’t like was that you said they could of got a helicopter up there. Now Daisy, what I am going to do is set you a challenge. Can you spot an error in this sentence?
Im not sure exactly what they were doing as it was so big.
If you can, can you come and visit our blog at http://ribbledriveprimary.net/yearsix2015/
From Kaitlyn.
Dear Daisy,
What I like about your story is that you have opened it with a question. You could have used different sentence openers. Like slowly, quietly. What I didn’t like was that you said they could of got a helicopter up there. Now Daisy, what I am going to do is set you a challenge. Can you spot an error in this sentence?
Im not sure exactly what they were doing as it was so big.
If you can, can you come and visit our blog at http://ribbledriveprimary.net/yearsix2015/
From Kaitlyn.
Daisy. Thanks for you post. Why do you think the giant cup cake was there? Did you try to taste a bit? Good point about the helicopter. The men could drown in the cream if they tried to walk on it. Mr Paine
Hello Daisy,
Your work is good. I love how you described yourself as drooling when you saw your cake. What where the men doing with their tools and what where they doing on the cake? Do you know and if you didn’t describe what you thought they where doing? Was the park full or was it empty. Maybe you could describe if the day was hot. Was you tempted to eat the cake? If you where why where you tempted. Was it the delicious chocolate that was tempting or was it the flake?
Your words to describe things where good. I thought these words where good: incredible, enormous and etc. Here are some other good words: giggling, shouting, surprised, amazed, shocked, happily and etc. Instead of using this sentence, So, it started of today when I going to the park why don’t you do this. You could do this. So, this is where our story begins. This all started when I went to the park. Maybe you could redo your post and try and use my help. I enjoyed reading your story.
From Jessica 6D.
Please visit our blog at: Ribbledriveprimary.net.
Dear Daisy,
I really love this piece of writing, it is great that you started with a question. I also love how you have described the cupcake. Maybe next time you could describe the helicopter,e.g, the silver helicopter. Visit my blog at http://ribbledriveprimary.net/yearsix2015/
Dear Daisy,
What I like about your story is that you have opened it with a question. You could have used different sentence openers. Like slowly, quietly. What I didn’t like was that you said they could of got a helicopter up there. Now Daisy, what I am going to do is set you a challenge. Can you spot an error in this sentence?
Im not sure exactly what they were doing as it was so big.
If you can, can you come and visit our blog at
http://ribbledriveprimary.net/yearsix2015/
From Kaitlyn.
Dear Daisy,
What I like about your story is that you have opened it with a question. You could have used different sentence openers. Like slowly, quietly. What I didn’t like was that you said they could of got a helicopter up there. Now Daisy, what I am going to do is set you a challenge. Can you spot an error in this sentence?
Im not sure exactly what they were doing as it was so big.
If you can, can you come and visit our blog at
http://ribbledriveprimary.net/yearsix2015/
From Kaitlyn.
Daisy. Thanks for you post. Why do you think the giant cup cake was there? Did you try to taste a bit? Good point about the helicopter. The men could drown in the cream if they tried to walk on it. Mr Paine
wow daisy, amazing story! I really liked it because you started It with a question which really grabbed my attention! Well Done x
Well done Daisy this story is amazing I especially like that you started with a question and used loads of adjectives Well done (:
I love your story Daisy, it’s amazing from Brooke
Dear daisy
I total like your story it was funny at the end that you said they must of got a helicopter up there that was good.
By Owen