Hi Zoe,
Great story! I love how you have yoused your imagination. I also love how you have wrote ‘disgusting’ in capital letters so that the reader enfosises it. How did your mum make the hot chocolate?
Maybe next you could use some adjectives, such as:
I had a chocolate tree growing out of it and marshmallow rocks also chocolate powder snow.
The ridged chocolate tree hung over the squidgy marshmallow rocks, and the chocolate powder covered them.
Dear Jody,
Why haven’t you done a story about a cupcake. Instead, you have done one about a tree growing out of a hot chocolate. I liked your story, because you have left the reader thinking if it was a dream or if it wasn’t, by the ellipsis. What I din’t like was that you haven’t used powerful words. You have put I or then, but what about quickly or quietly. Now I am going to set you a challenge. Can you spot where the missing comma should go in this sentence.
I decided to go downstairs but my mum was standing at the table with a strange looking hot chocolate.
If you figure it out, please could you come and visit our blog at the web address below. Maybe, you could comment on my work, or everybody elses.
From Kaitlyn. http://ribbledriveprimary.net/yearsix2015/
Zoe, thanks for writing a blog. A dream is always a good way to describe something very odd. It is interesting that you saw the picture as hot chocolate, what about the men on top? Mr Paine
Hi Zoe,
Great story! I love how you have yoused your imagination. I also love how you have wrote ‘disgusting’ in capital letters so that the reader enfosises it. How did your mum make the hot chocolate?
Maybe next you could use some adjectives, such as:
I had a chocolate tree growing out of it and marshmallow rocks also chocolate powder snow.
The ridged chocolate tree hung over the squidgy marshmallow rocks, and the chocolate powder covered them.
This way it creates a good ‘brain movie’ for the reader and they can visualise the hot chocolate. Maybe visit our blog http://ribbledriveprimary.net/yearsix2015/
Dear Jody,
Why haven’t you done a story about a cupcake. Instead, you have done one about a tree growing out of a hot chocolate. I liked your story, because you have left the reader thinking if it was a dream or if it wasn’t, by the ellipsis. What I din’t like was that you haven’t used powerful words. You have put I or then, but what about quickly or quietly. Now I am going to set you a challenge. Can you spot where the missing comma should go in this sentence.
I decided to go downstairs but my mum was standing at the table with a strange looking hot chocolate.
If you figure it out, please could you come and visit our blog at the web address below. Maybe, you could comment on my work, or everybody elses.
From Kaitlyn.
http://ribbledriveprimary.net/yearsix2015/
Zoe, thanks for writing a blog. A dream is always a good way to describe something very odd. It is interesting that you saw the picture as hot chocolate, what about the men on top? Mr Paine
Sorry, I meant Jodie, not Zoe, so thank you as well, Jodie, for writing a blog.
Great story I loved reading it